ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel almost had an epiphany on his Thursday show when confronted with some of the downright bizarre logic and language that transgender ideology compels its proponents to use. When discussing a heist involving over male sex toys, Kimmel found the company’s use of the phrase “penis owners” to be quite humorous. Likewise, Kimmel found the idea of President Trump being a female bobsledder absurd, but in neither case could he make the connection to the ideology he supports.
Kimmel began by setting the scene, “We have a big mystery to solve right now here in this city. $250,000 worth of male sex toys that were loaded onto a train headed from L.A. to Dallas have vanished. They are nowhere to be found. They loaded them on a freight train, and when the train got to Dallas, it was empty. The company says the thief made off with 330 Handy Massage Tube pleasure devices and 289 Handy Massage Pro Model pleasure devices. Police are looking for a suspect with 619 penises. So, please. That is a lot of sex toys. Can you imagine planning that heist? ‘Guys, we’re going to get the gang back together for one last job. And it’s going to be hot, you’ll see.’”
Jimmy Kimmel was oh so close, but oh so far from recognizing the absurdity of transgender ideology. Talking about a male sex toy heist, Kimmel read from the review, “‘The Handy 2 is engineered with next-gen technology and built with our community feedback at its core, enabling… pic.twitter.com/okMcGcG3Jc
— Alex Christy (@alexchristy17) March 13, 2026
Pleading ignorance on the merchandise, Kimmel read from the company’s product description, “I’ve not heard of The Handy Massage Tube Pro, so I Googled it. It seems to be some kind of mini robot Lauren Boebert. It’s a— ‘The Handy 2 is engineered with next-gen technology and built with our community feedback at its core, enabling through levels of interactive pleasure for penis owners—whether solo or with a partner.’”
Kimmel retorted, “Penis owners? Do we even own our penises? I mean, I feel like my penis owns me in a lot of ways. Anyway, I hope they find the thieves, and I hope those items are returned to their rightful penis owners.”
Using terms like “penis owners” is certain people’s desperate attempt to avoid the fact that there are definitional parts of being a man that necessarily mean you cannot be a woman. However, Kimmel could not make the leap to join the sane side. Later, he introduced a clip of 2026 Olympic bronze medal bobsledder Kaillie Humphries at the White House by quipping, “And then they really put a cherry on top of women’s month. You’re not going to believe this. An Olympic gold medalist showed up to present the president with yet another award he didn’t win.”
In the clip, Humphries declared, “Olympic medals are never achieved alone. So, I am here today, and I am so honored to present this, my Order of Ikkos medal, to you, Donald Trump.”
The Order of Ikkos is specifically meant to be given away by a medalist to someone who has helped them in their journey. Humphries won a gold medal in 2022, so Trump would not have been the first person she’s given her Order of Ikkos medal to. Four years ago, she gave it to her head coach, Mike Kohn. However, Kimmel did not appear to realize the medal Humphries gave him was not her bronze medal as he suggested Trump was being hypocritical, “Look at how happy he is. ‘Whoa! You’ve got a medal for me?’ I thought he was all about keeping men out of women’s sports. Now he’s taking the medal. Suddenly he’s a ladies’ bobsledding champion.”
Ironically, in the part of Humphries’ speech that Kimmel did not play, she thanked Trump by stating, “I want to recognize the support and the impact you’ve had on women’s sports…specifically standing up to keep biological women in women’s sports, to keep the field of play safe and allow for fair competition.”
Whether it is the absurdity of terms such as “penis owners” or the idea that Donald Trump can be a woman, Kimmel almost got it. Yet, he remains so far away.
Here is a transcript for the March 12 show:
ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!
3/12/2026
11:36 PM ET
JIMMY KIMMEL: You know, hey, you know, we have a big mystery to solve right now here in this city. $250,000 worth of male sex toys that were loaded onto a train headed from L.A. to Dallas have vanished. They are nowhere to be found. They loaded them on a freight train, and when the train got to Dallas, it was empty.
The company says the thief made off with 330 Handy Massage Tube pleasure devices and 289 Handy Massage Pro Model pleasure devices. Police are looking for a suspect with 619 penises. So, please. That is a lot of sex toys. Can you imagine planning that heist? “Guys, we’re going to get the gang back together for one last job. And it’s going to be hot, you’ll see.”
I’ve not heard of The Handy Massage Tube Pro, so I Googled it. It seems to be some kind of mini robot Lauren Boebert.
It’s a— “The Handy 2 is engineered with next-gen technology and built with our community feedback at its core, enabling through levels of interactive pleasure for penis owners—whether solo or with a partner.”
Penis owners? Do we even own our penises? I mean, I feel like my penis owns me in a lot of ways. Anyway, I hope they find the thieves, and I hope those items are returned to their rightful penis owners.
…
11:45 PM ET
And then they really put a cherry on top of women’s month. You’re not going to believe this. An Olympic gold medalist showed up to present the president with yet another award he didn’t win.
KAILLIE HUMPHRIES: Olympic medals are never achieved alone. So, I am here today, and I am so honored to present this, my Order of Ikkos medal, to you, Donald Trump.
KIMMEL: Look at how happy he is. “Whoa! You’ve got a medal for me?” I thought he was all about keeping men out of women’s sports. Now he’s taking the medal. Suddenly he’s a ladies’ bobsledding champion.
