Family estrangement is on the rise. Various bills are pending around the country to address the problem of parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which can lead to certain rifts between parents and children. Dozens of non-fiction books have been published about the phenomenon. But not since Anna Karenina has a work of fiction dealt so squarely and deftly with the subject until Fran Hawthorne’s Her Daughter.
Leading experts define PAS as a “mental condition in which a child — usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict separation or divorce — allies himself or herself strongly with an alienating parent and rejects a relationship with the ‘target’ parent without legitimate justification.”
Her Daughter grabs the reader’s heart on page one, where Alice has just learned that her estranged 24-year-old daughter has been arrested. Her ex-husband Dan’s email says, “I’m handling everything, and she doesn’t want to hear from you.” Alice phones Dan. He doesn’t answer, his pattern ever since they divorced when Esme was four.
Why was Esme arrested? Why haven’t mother and daughter spoken in six years? We spend the balance of the book finding out, layer by layer, as Alice searches for her daughter.
The book moves chronologically in dual timelines, flashing from past to present. In the hands of a less skilled writer, the switchbacks might be disconcerting. But Hawthorne, a veteran author, keeps the thriller-like momentum flowing.
After five years of marriage, Alice desperately wants a child. But Dan had insisted on no children. So she neglects her birth control and gets pregnant. Dan presses her to have an abortion. Once Alice reluctantly agrees, he relents. He tells his mother it was Alice who hadn’t wanted children. The gaslighting is just beginning.
Growing Field of Research
Although PAS dates back to the 19th century, courts and critics have debated its authenticity for decades. A recent study finally leaves no doubt of its validity. And courts are increasingly offering protection for parents and children.
Alienating behaviors run the gamut, generally consisting of 17 actions, including badmouthing, undermining the other parent, interfering with communications between parent and child, limiting contact, confiding in the child, etc.
Evidence of alienation also manifests itself in a range of child behaviors, including rejection of a parent, independent thinker phenomenon, absence of guilt, and parroting the alienating parent’s language. Hawthorne’s book further illustrates how divorce forces children to live between two worlds, compounding the consequences of PAS.
“The more types and frequency of alienating behavior a parent engaged in, the more severely alienated their children,” says Richard Warshak, a leading authority on PAS. His research also found that interfering with contact was linked to increased alienation.
A Master Manipulator
Dan criticizes Alice’s parenting from outset. When Esme eats a Cheerio with dirty hands, he scoops her away from Alice. He calls Alice out for “abandonment” by going on a business trip — in front of Esme. He sabotages Esme’s ballet recital and takes her to the circus instead, convincing Esme it’s Alice’s mix-up. Meanwhile, Alice, her mother, and friends are frantic when Esme doesn’t appear on stage, not knowing what has happened.
Esme’s actions fit the trajectory of an increasingly alienated child. Early on, she’s annoyed with Alice as a result of Dan’s promptings. In high school, she nonchalantly announces that she’s going to live with her father. When Alice can’t afford what Dan demands she contribute to Esme’s college, Esme tells Alice it’s only fair — her father has a new wife and two more kids to provide for.
Although PAS focuses on the alienating parent and child, Hawthorne illuminates an important third perspective — the effect on the alienated parent. Alice isn’t perfect, but she’s a conscientious, loving mother. She often lives in fear, and her self-confidence sinks.
At 18, Esme cuts off Alice entirely. The separation haunts Alice. Her calls and letters go unanswered. Esme’s college won’t provide information. Neither will Dan. Alice constantly replays the good memories with Esme in her mind. At times, it’s an excruciating read.
Why doesn’t Alice simply take Dan to court? Hawthorne doesn’t say, but we can guess. Dan’s a master manipulator. He’s also threatened Alice in the past and is not above trying to take Esme away entirely. So Alice endures his machinations for two decades.
Recent discussions in the area of PAS explore the possible relationship between PAS and children who identify as transgender. It’s argued that in some cases changes in gender identity might be brought on by abuse and manipulation on the part of the alienating parent. We know too that parental affirmation of a child’s transgender identity is being weaponized in high-conflict custody disputes. And some lawmakers are encouraging legislation that require judges to favor gender-affirming parents in custody awards.
Rebuilding Relationships
While reading Her Daughter, I wondered who initiated the divorce or whether it had been mutual. In retrospect, I’m glad Hawthorne doesn’t reveal that information. It might have swayed the reader’s viewpoint by factoring in irrelevant motives of hurt feelings or revenge. Hawthorne also allows us to wonder if Dan is redeemable, a good call on her part. Otherwise, Hawthorne’s point-of-view from Alice’s perspective might be criticized for blaming men. Indeed, in real life mothers and fathers are equally guilty of alienation.
Her Daughter is fiction but, from start to finish, the narrative rings true. Hawthorne has clearly done her homework. PAS is real. It’s destructive. And it’s painful. She admirably conveys these important truths and lets affected parents and children know they’re not alone.
When it looks like Alice might finally see her daughter — and we’re kept guessing — Alice scripts her conversations ahead of time. But when the day comes, Alice finds the courage to let the reunion develop slowly and naturally. Esme’s tentative, but we learn the lie Dan had told her early on. (The arrest isn’t as bad as it had seemed either.) It’s the first step in mother and daughter rebuilding their relationship, and both seem to realize how fragile the thread holding them together still is. But the book ends with more than a glimmer of hope.
