In Trump’s State of the Union address, he noted his drug cost reduction efforts could help a woman facing the heartbreak of infertility and undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF). Trump is right to care about couples facing infertility, but wrong to support IVF.
Infertility is one of the hardest sufferings couples face. IVF doesn’t actually solve the problem; it frequently results in embryo destruction, as Allie Beth Stuckey pointed out in her podcast response.
“More embryos, unborn lives, are killed in the IVF industry than in the abortion industry every year,” she observed.
If that’s true, and conservative women who face infertility, like myself, deeply long for motherhood, what other options are there? Let’s put everything else on the table to really understand any other ethical ways to pursue the goal of parenthood.
All of these options are difficult, but truly, parenthood of biological children is difficult also. Various sufferings befall our lives, and we exist in a mix of surrender and choice. Yet couples still have choices, and still can have the opportunity to craft a meaningful life — pursuing biological, adoptive, or spiritual parenthood without IVF. These options are not mutually exclusive and many can be pursued simultaneously.
Acceptance and Recognition of Spiritual Parenthood
There’s a reason this is listed first. It’s so frequently seen as a last resort, but really has to be part of the discernment process before anything else can be pursued. It can also help during the difficult seasons of waiting for parenthood. Furthermore, it can serve as an example in the community to all adults — parents and not — to pour into the children around them.
More Spiritual Parenthood
Every married couple is already a family. Having a child isn’t “starting a family,” which began when you took your vows. For couples who are not conceiving, accepting “childlessness” is an option. But these couples often find their lives filled with other people’s children, who become their spiritual children. Their friends’ children often factor into this.
Some choose to become teachers or mentors to vulnerable kids. Some become CASAs (Court Appointed Special Advocates) to represent the interests of children in the foster care system. Others go on mission trips that mother and father the world. Though there’s a temptation to think of spiritual parenthood as a consolation prize, it’s actually a sign and signal of the Kingdom of Heaven, where natural marriage and family will be replaced by the even-more-real reality of spiritual family.
Wraparound Foster Families
Promise686, America’s Kids Belong, and Project127 are involved in recruiting churches and communities to better support foster families with wrap-around care, meeting practical needs like meals, groceries, babysitting, and more. Because up to half of foster families quit within the first year, families need more support from the community. Couples without their own biological or adoptive children can be a “village” to these families in a way that parents with their own kids might find more challenging.
Relationships with Nieces and Nephews
Some couples find that being aunt and uncle is a fulfilling role. With time to invest in their nieces and nephews that they may not have if they had their own children, these relationships become especially precious. Plus, children thrive when they have trusted adults other than their parents.
Having Godchildren
In liturgical communities, this practice is seen accompanied by solemn vows and commitments to help with a child’s spiritual development. In communities where infant baptism is no longer the norm, the concept of godchildren has fallen out of favor. Yet Lisa Bevere’s book Godmothers explains that having older women mentor younger ones is a concept everyone, regardless of denomination, needs to embrace.
Options Pursuing Pregnancy
It’s a beautiful desire to want to have biological children and there is nothing wrong with pursuing a restoration of that ability if it’s in the realm of possibility.
Restorative Reproductive Medicine
Restorative Reproductive Medicine is the umbrella term used for treatment of infertility in a way that seeks to restore the original function of the organs to allow for natural conception, rather than bypassing it. (A good paper about Restorative Reproductive Medicine is now available from the Charlotte Lozier Institute here.)
Even after everything has been pursued, however, not all couples are able to conceive. Maybe there was a medically necessary hysterectomy. Maybe there is a genetic condition where the sperm count remains too low for conception. In a very small minority of cases, infertility remains unexplained. For various reasons, biological parenthood can’t happen for everyone. But there are other alternatives.
Home Insemination, Lab IUI, Lab GIFT
The idea behind these interventions is to allow the sperm and egg to get closer with an easier path to meet. These methods still involve a separation of sperm and egg from the sexual act, which is considered unethical or simply not preferable by some couples.
Home insemination like Mosie Baby allows the couple to avoid any third-party involvement, but still requires the removal of sperm from the sexual act through masturbation or a perforated condom. IUI (intrauterine insemination) and GIFT (gamete intra-fallopian transfer) have neither been officially approved nor disapproved by the Catholic Church, which tends to be conservative on the ethics of these issues. When a lab is involved, the price of the intervention can become prohibitive, and it’s also difficult to find GIFT as it has largely been replaced by IVF.
Adoption Options
Adoption is a picture of the Gospel and a beautiful opportunity to grow a family. It is not a requirement for infertile couples to pursue, but varies by individual calling.
Embryo Adoption
This is a newer option that requires the wife to be able to gestate an embryo that was previously created via IVF and then transferred to her body. The option is not without its difficulties and ethical dilemmas. Some feel that burial is the best solution to show dignity to these babies. Stephanie Gray Connors breaks down the pros and cons of this issue in a short video here.
International Adoption
International adoption is not without expense and cultural complexity. One group that helps couples navigate this option is called Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO). The legal difficulties of this option vary widely by country, and couples interested should work with ethical agencies.
Domestic Infant Adoption
Domestic infant adoptions come as closed, semi-open, or open, but most of them in this day and age are open. Like international adoption, these adoptions can be done in ethical or unethical ways. When ethical, all members of the adoption triad — the baby, the birth mom/family, and adoptive family — are cared for. Birth moms need their own advocates and should not be coerced into adoption arrangements. Adoptive families also need to honor any commitments to open adoption, which has been shown in studies to improve outcomes for the birth mom and the child. One group working on vetting agencies for ethics and values is the Christian Adoptions Alliance.
Adoption out of the Foster Care System
According to AdoptUSKids.org, 117,000 children are available for adoption who are currently in the child welfare system. Sometimes these children have disabilities, are older, or are in sibling groups wanting to stay together. Giving a family for these children can be so important. For education and other resources, check out Finally Home and Show Hope.
Foster and Short-Term Care
Caring for some of the most vulnerable in our society is a meaningful job. It should not be entered into lightly, but with adequate preparation for the difficulties.
Foster Care with Hope for Reunification but Openness to Adopt
Of the roughly 400,000 children currently in the foster care system, the majority — around 283,000, using numbers from AdoptUSKids.org — are not currently eligible for adoption but need loving homes as their parents work to regain custody. These children are often paired with families while still hoping for reunification with their parents. Some couples end up adopting their foster children if reunification with their biological parents becomes unsafe or impossible.
Foster Care without Goal to Adopt
Some couples discern that biological or adoptive parenting isn’t necessary to live their call to fruitfulness. Some families feel fostering is a joyful way to provide a safe home for children who have a history of neglect or abuse.
Respite Care
For families not yet ready to get into foster care, respite care is a good option. This involves providing respite — a break — for foster families by taking the children for a short and finite time. There are no expectations for adoption or long-term care, just a weekend or so of caring for kids so their foster parents can have some breathing room.
Short-Term/Host Families Care
Many people don’t know about this model that helps prevent foster care through the voluntary sharing of child-rearing responsibilities with vetted volunteers. The group Upstream Collaborative has a list of partner organizations piloting this model, which seeks to prevent a foster care crisis before it occurs by helping families in times of need.
Finding Your Way
Every couple has to find their own path to parenthood. Not every option is right for everyone; some couples will engage in multiple simultaneous or sequential pursuits. Engaging in any of these efforts also doesn’t have to mean giving up on trying to conceive a biological child, if that’s still possible. It just means being open to a new path — and finding unexpected joys along the way.
Chaney Mullins Gooley has spent over a decade in pro-life pro-woman work building a culture of life across denominations and service spheres. She now serves as a non-profit consultant and owner of Toward Home LLC and lives in Alexandria, VA with her husband Patrick.
